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| Rant:
I have decided to redefine my definition of pride. It fits most if not all my observations, and it actually coincides with biblical definitions of what pride is. I have decided that pride...
Pride is the inability to admit being wrong.
Now, if we assume this definition instead of that bogus "if you think you're good at something, you're prideful," than it makes sense why pride is the fall of man.
It frustrates me that people frown on people who know they are competent. Obviously there is arrogance, and arrogance is bad. However, what is the healthy balance between self-esteem and self-assurance? So people always talk about "false-humility" and what not. Aka, saying you're not good at something when you know you are good. Like "ohhh...i didn't do so well on my SAT's, i just got 2400." So is it considered arrogant if I was to say "I got a 2400 on my SAT's!" and if it is, why? that's just the truth. Maybe it's the flaw of the listener in not being able to rejoice in their brother or sister's accomplishment.
So today, I think pride's being defined as self-assurance.
The PROBLEM with this is in the Christian walk, we're so obsessed with not being seen as prideful that if we do make a step in becoming closer with God, we're seen as arrogant. So if I was to say that I'm past depending on retreats to maintain my faith, I'm seen as prideful. What makes me better than everyone else that I don't need retreats? Maybe it's just the truth. Maybe I am being slightly arrogant in saying that I don't need retreats, than again maybe others should rejoice with me in that my faith isn't dependent on the emotional roller coasters of retreats.
So because we're so obsessed with this false humility, we never accept the fact that we've made progress. To accept the fact that we've made progress is pride, and than we have to supposedly be humbled all over again. Is that not a bit frusterating? Why not celebrate with me in my accomplishment? Obviously I am FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR from perfect, but I'm sorry that small emotional things don't impede my closeness with God...or relative closeness, we're not really that close. Do I have to lie and say that what's happened during my week actually affects me? I'm sorry, I can't. I really can't. I'm very tired of faking humility, because I know I'm prideful. I can't fake anymore that I'm not making any progress just because it's going to anger other people or give others the impression that I am prideful. Let them have that impression, it's a much more honest impression of me than if they thought I was humble.
And back to the original topic. Pride is the inability to admit that one is wrong.
Holy crap, if we use this definition, almost EVERYONE is prideful. Sure, certain things you have to defend, such as beliefs and faith. However, if I am imperfect, than it stands to reason that some of my actions are imperfect. Now, this definition of course stemmed from an instance where someone else refused to admit being wrong, and I was in the right, BUTTTTT.... I have to face the fact that if I use this definition of pride, I am seriously the most prideful person in the world.
I seriously have so much difficulty admittin I am wrong. It's easy to say sorry when it doesn't matter, but when it MATTERS...wow. Example: arguments with parents. It starts with something really stupid like I said I'd put the trash out later and I don't, and than my mom tells me that I didn't and than I get a bit annoyed and say WITH ATTITUDE ( this is key, it's the accusation of all parents) that I'll do it later.
HONESTLY, I'm wrong. I DIDN'T put the trash out, so my mom is more than justified to be a bit annoyed with me and she is more than justified to tell me that I should put the trash out. However much i KNOW I'm wrong, I refuse to yield and have to put in all her flaws. So I was wrong, but to ADMIT it to the person is like...death.
I think this is why it's so hard to become a follower of Christ. It's too hard to admit that we are wrong. It's too hard to admit that some of the things we do are wrong. It's why it's easy to follow Christ when things are going well and it's hard to follow him when things are going badly. It's too hard to admit we're wrong. Even if we know what we did is wrong, we can at least defend it as a reasonable choice or judgment given the circumstances.
So I've had a HUGE breakthrough in a sense... I've realized that I have a very hard time admitting that I am wrong. I knew I was stubborn, but I never connected it to the fact of me being prideful. I was fighting pride in the wrong places, trying to downplay certain gifts and talents. So now I know my pride comes from the original thought that what I think is right and what others think is wrong.
Now of course, what others think a lot of times is wrong. I flatter myself with the thought that I am more often right than wrong...It's probably a 67% to 33% ratio. Slightly more than 2/3...very slight. However, I have to admit that if there IS a God (and since I believe there is a God), he must be always right. So if i KNOW that he's always right, how do I even reason what I think is right. 100% v 67%...the 100% is probably right more often than naught.
And it's funny, I know this, and I still disobey.I always ask myself "God...what do I do in this situation." And than of course people tell me to "trust God." Seriously...if someone has had the endurance to read all of this, than please don't quote these phrases. Obviously I have to trust God...what does it mean to trust God. what is trust? (different discussion!).
So ultimately the concensus is I am wrong where it matters most. So I can question God "harvard or yale?" But he probably doesn't answer that question because I haven't solved what's right in front of me...like should I love God or the world. whoa..different discussion again, but this one shall be pursued.
Maybe God doesn't answer certain prayers because he wants to bring attention to more pressing matters. Like the question of "should i go to this college or this college" or "this career or this career" or "marry her or not marry her." Maybe he doesn't answer these prayers because he presses a more important question such as "do you love me or not love me." Ouch...
So technically, him even answering any of those other questions or anything related is a burn. It's like I have cancer, but he's like "oh, I'll give you tylenol so you can feel better for a bit, but I still haven't answered the more pressing question you're ignoring"
You got me, I'm wrong.
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| To be honest, I have very few things I legitimately want. There are things that I would like to have, but nothing presses me to the point where I feel compelled to buy or pursue it. It is not that I'm satisfied, it just means that I have a hard time improving my life because once life has been improved, there's more to fall back from. And of course, being the person I am, I over-analyze what seems mundane because for me, the question of "why" must be answered, and everything must be backed by reason. And if it is unreasonable, there must be a reasonable explanation for its being unreasonable.
So as usual, all my reflections started with the browsing of facebook. Facebook is a very interesting place. While it's a great way to network and all, it also makes it very easy for people to observe what you're doing in life, and if people have certain unhealthy habits, it somehow pops up on the mainfeed...all the time. There is a difference between being optimistic for oneself and being optimistic for others. Being optimistic for others is easy. As for being optimistic for oneself, well, that takes strength of character not found in most people.
I used to pride myself in being optimistic for other people. I would dare to hope that other people's lives would turn out for the best. I believed in the strength of others, God's ability to move in others. I would see people, and despite my every word being laced with sarcasm, I believed that good would always win, and people's lives would turn out for the best. I still believe this, but the little snags in the way get annoying every once in a while. My other thought is that it is amazing how change is good and bad. We just see the bad side of it more often than not.
Jason, continue this later, your head needs to be spilled out.
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So I'm writing an essay about Oedipus. In a nutshell, what happens in Oedipus is that a king and a queen hear from a seer that their son is going to kill the king and the mother is going to marry the son. So they get rid of the son, but the son comes back, kills the king, marries his mother without knowing. The story is them finding out everything. Tragedy tragedy.
Thank Antigone is another story.
So basically I'm writing about the moral issues revolving around these books. It's so interesting how these writers work and they end up embodying certain christian values. for instance, pride is always the fall of these losers. Losers. Also, the writers tell the audience to listen to the gods, and if not the gods, than reason. Why...Listen to God, "come, let us reason together"
this are amazing parralels.
Why do i bring this up.
Christmas is coming up in about...give or take a month or so.
Economically, this is supposed to be the world christmas in 30 years.
Time to pull out "How the Grinch stole Christmas" and learn from our 7 year old wisdom. Seong MSN, how about you read THAT story to Aaron, not cheating.
I am ready for Christmas. I am ready for a nice reminder that some person came to the earth. And was a gift. AND he's SO cool he allowed his birthday to be a day of giving... So genius. So genius.
Plus, i don't have to remember people's birthdays, it's all one day.
Jesus, good call.
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| So I had to tell someone about my sudden revelation, but actually telling someone would take way to long, and xanga has always been a good friend. Xanga, i can't believe you guys consider your own name misspelled. Well, anyways, here it goes.
With my ample amount of free time (which is not as ample anymore), I have been thinking about a few questions that are simplistic in nature, but are very complicated. So the most question I have been pondering recently is "what is love." I'm partially in the process of pondering this question because of the song but also love is just such an immense concept that who would not stop to think about it if they had free time. It motivates our actions, dictates who we are, dictates who we will spend our lives with, and on and on.
So the way I went about answering this question was not really by coming up with a single definitive answer but more eliminating other answers by finding counterarguments for them. So for example, if A=B except on a given condition, i was looking for the "except on a given condition" part but for different equations.
So the first definition of love I pondered was love as in passion. As in love = sacrifice. And this is a great definition of love. It encompasses a huge portion of love, and if i could just get this one part down, I would be so good at loving. Sacrifice includes sacrificing time, money, etc etc. The problem with sacrificial love is that it either can be conditional or unconditional. Also, if love is sacrifice, than sacrifice is included with people dying for others, people dying for causes or their country. There is no doubt that these sacrifices are noble and legitimate, but there are some people who sacrifice their lives and well being out of honor or obligation. So if they have sacrificed themselves out of honor, that isn't love, that's honor. So i was forced to give up my conclusion that love is sacrifice.
Then, I went to the a relational love. Relationship between man and woman, brothers, father and son, mother and daughter, master and servant, etc etc. This is great love, it's beautiful. I love these, and I'm hoping to get to the man and woman one in like...the next 10 years or so. However, it is far from perfect. Since I'm looking for "perfect love" or a definition of love, this can't work. It's too limited, it's too conditional. The fact that it is a relationship between two people makes it so that the love is only between two people. Therefore, it's conditional. I love Harry, BUT if you're not harry, that means that I wont love you as much as I love Harry. Definitely conditional. As for the master and servant, the master loves the servant because the servant SERVES him, and the servant loves the master because the servant is somehow in debt to the master. Already conditional. The service of the servant makes the master love him, and the debt to the master makes the servant love the master. So conditional. Beautiful love, but already too conditional. Therefore not perfect. I guess my definition of love has to be unconditional, but I'm trying to find that definition, so we plow on!
So I continued to think about love. What about unconditional love. What is the problem with unconditional love. It's unconditional, so therefore far more perfect than the other styles of love stated above. It is extends to anyone and everyone, and there are no prerequisates to receive unconditional love. Some of the problems that may occur is that it may be blind love, and blind love leads to very stupid things. Also, unconditional love does not embody the sacrificial side of love. Bob can say he loves Sally all he wants, but if Bob is unwilling to give up or do anything for Sally, than does that mean he really loves her. He may love her unconditionally, but he may be imperfect. Therefore, he may love her unconditionally, therefore not needing any conditions from her, but he may be unable to love perfectly because of his own ineptitudes. So someone can love unconditionally, because by definition it just means that they love without condition. There are no strings attached, they want nothing in return. The problem is how they show their love or give their love is imperfect because they themselves are imperfect.
I continue on to blind love. Blind love is interesting. It is probably unconditional. It makes the person willing to sacrifice nearly anything for the one they love, as they are blind in their love. The problem is once again, the person doing the loving is blind and imperfect. Therefore the love is imperfect because they are imperfect.
Of course, romantic love. I am sorry to say that I am honestly not a romantic, but I did think about this type of love. It comes up later on in the list because I am really not into romance, so this may be my bashing rather than the reasonable thought that I actually put into this...thing.
Romantic love is too conditional, too superficial, and too short-lived. It's conditional because IF it's romantic, it means that either the guy or the girl put major effort into making the time romantic. Romantic love is so conditional because if there wasn't the romantic vibe or the romantic scenery, it's not romantic. Therefore, the love doesn't exist without the romance. Therefore, not perfect love. Also, short lived. Romance is what got America into the 33+ percent divorce rate we have in America today. 1/3? Wow, that's high isn't it. A vast majority of those are born again Christians. That's not disappointing at all...Superficial in that will the person RECEIVING the effort of the romance still love the person if they didn't do the romantic jazz? Romantic love is great...in moderate amounts.
Better than romantic love is dedication. The lacking portion of marriage is dedication. So I asked my mom "how in the world are you and appa married for 20 years now! madness!" And she said "I love him, but it takes a lot of dedication." Wise, very wise. I love when my parents are romantic with each other. I love when they are laughing by themselves in their room while watching korean dramas at 1 o clock in the morning. I love when my dad brings roses for my mom and my mom has to pretend like it's nothing, but she finds a vase and puts it on our coffee table. I love when that happens, but in reality, I have to face the fact that without their dedication, they probably would not be married, and I would be another case of broken family syndrome, aka BFS. So they have romantic spurts, and it's great, it's very lubby-dubby. Thankfully, their relationship is not dependent on the romance. Since they are imperfect lovers, they realize that it takes dedication to maintain the love in the relationship. How lacking is this in the world. Dedication.
So I went through a lot of scenarios of love. Love between different types of people, love for a country, the list went on and on. What else do you do with your time except think about love.
So following this huge long list of progressive logical thinking, I was very near to the conclusion that the world is lacking in love. It isn't, because love is everywhere. It may be imperfect, but it still is out there, and it's a beautiful thing. But I still was on my nice long search for perfect love. What was I to do. And of course, in my long long search, I came to the conclusion that God is love. And for those of us who don't believe in God, than the only form of perfect love would reside in some sort of "higher being" that could embody all the qualities of love. So how is God perfect love. Let's see...God embodies sacrificial love not only for dying BUT for sacrificing a son. That's like a double whammer, double the points, double the glory and awesomeness. In the sense of relational love, he embodies every type of relationship. He made himself on of us, therefore being our brother, he is our master but also our servant, and a father who has all the motherly qualities. Not only that, but he is able to love someone who is imperfect while he himself is imperfect. Also, the even more beautiful thing is that that doesn't make sense because the love is that vast. His love is unconditional because he loves us even before we accept him. It's like loving someone's back. They turn around and all you have is to stare at their back, and God loved the back. He isn't blindly loving since he is omnipotent. God is such a romantic, holy crap. Who else CREATES a planet for someone else? what a love bird. Dedication? only like...your whole love and eternity.
And, i think one of the biggest facets of love is the whole, "if you love them, you will let them go" or "parenting is the art of letting go." The extremity of his love says that he lets us go to decide whether we love him or not. not being controlling or anything, just..it's our choice...that's kind of scary for me. If I could, i would force everyone to love me. It's selfish, but it's what most people would do. He's all powerful, and he gives people free-will. It's like a king telling his subjects that they can be the king of their own lives. The people would probably screw it up, but only the humble would actually come back and be like "oh, i screwed this up, i should let that other king rule me again."
So i actually came up with this conclusion NOT while i was feeling super holy and super Godly in any way. In fact, I was more looking for a way to disprove that God's love is perfect. There is no explicable way, any reasoning behind love co-existing with justice. There really isn't. I can't explain it, and they don't go together. In fact, I was more like questioning God; I was questioning his ability and character. I was questioning his actions and why he did certain things. I was forced to the conclusion that he is perfect and he is right. It wasn't a happy conclusion that i came to, because it meant I was wrong. It meant that I'm a sucker. So throughout this whole logical reasoning i went through, i came to realize that God is love. That's important and all, but I also came to realize that...I'm like a desperate loser. Holy crap, I'm such a loser. I'm that subject who's like "uhmm...yeahhh, i think i need help right about now."
So diverting from my logical reasoning and all that jazz, I am very happy that the holidays...who calls them the holidays. CHRISTMAS is coming around :] I have to admit, i am supposed to think Easter is the most important holiday, but i love christmas. I really do, i love christmas. I want to put up the christmas tree now, I want to put up the lights and decorate my whole house and write christmas cards to everyone.
I must face reality, I probably wont be getting what I want or be able to spend frivolously on others. So, i think it is about time that i learned to bake. Yes, bake.
Somewhere along the line me and baking didn't get along very well. It probably started because...oh, everything i put into an oven just burned. I'm very talented with a microwave. There are only about 3 buttons i need to know. STOP/CLEAR. 1. START.
So...if someone is willing to teach me how to bake, let's spend a Saturday baking for the heck of it. Apparently baking is very stress relieving, and I want to learn how to bake. Also, I will buy supplies. I am free Saturdays from like...2 p.m. - 12 a.m.
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| no one reads xanga anymore right? facebook is the jazz to go, and as long as i make the entry really long and detailed with something called "paragraphs," it wont be read jason, so no worries. Time to vocalize some thoughts. Time to really digest what happened at niko. I discuss with the staff what happened at niko and it seems so very negative and the focus seems on very negative things. It made me kind of sad but at the same time motivated to improve myself? But then, just because there are a lot of things to improve on does not mean that a niko was bad at all. By all means, it just means that there is so much more to go. Interesting how the niko program works but it is still in a constant cycle of being made better and improved upon, but God still chooses to use it. I guess the same applies for me. I'm not going to make any preferences and say that this niko was that much better than other nikos or that much deeper, just God decided to use me in the way he did for this niko. I can't believe I've been living for 17 years...almost. I wont say that im getting old, just...i am older than i was yesterday, i do believe. Who invented the whole idea that we get presents and give presents on peoples birthdays? For 363 days im not very pleased with this whole idea, but on 2 days i make an exception. Jesus's birthday and mine. Make it 362. We'll throw in new years. thank the lord for facebook, the genius idea that there is an actual reminder and calendar of people's birthdays! What do i want for my birthday... What an awkward question. If i ask that question than it implies that i want something (which of course i do, all those liers who say i don't want anything and add the "honestly" at the end to make the point that much more powerful but in reality do want something), but than by me asking that question i vocalize the fact that i DO want something making myself look selfish. Hmm...i am selfish, so why hide the fact? Jason, just make a list for your self, make yourself look selfish, and let the world know and don't lie to them. Oh...lying, a totally different subject. A scooter: you know...the thing that was in fashion like 8 years ago. You put on leg on the thing, hold 2 handles, and push with the other leg. Saves gas. the only problem is coming BACK home. Who invented uphills? oh...God, hi. Crocs: apparently there's an actual difference between the actual company and the fake ones. Apparently the fake ones are made of a worse material and the real ones have holes in the front as to let out loose gravel and dirt. Genius. New Tennis Rackets: Quantity (2), type, liquidmedal made by head. My current racket has a crack on the top :O and if i break the strings, i can't use it again. Oh joy. Where the Light Is DVD and CD: John Mayer, you are amazingly amazing and awesome. Yes, i will drool over you. No, I am not homosexual, just curious on how in the world he uses his thumb. Sunglasses: So when i drive to church, the sun rises in the EAST and pasadena is EAST of la Crescenta so i get to stare at God's creation. not that i don't like looking at his creation, but shadows already prove that the sun is there, and i don't need to stare at it. When i come back from Church in the afternoon, la Crescenta is WEST of Pasadena, and the sun sets in the WEST. Ties: I learned neither my brother nor myself own a black tie. We have the tie my dad got married in, every other color except black. Not saying that color is bad, just...how do you not have a black tie? A haircut: Nothing against Grace Rhee, Rebecca Yang, or Emily Yoon, but senior portraits do appear in that thing called THE YEARBOOK, and i prefer to have...decent hair. I just can't afford it. Any spare SAT study material: If you've read this much, i assume you have no life and aren't studying for the SAT's, want to let me borrow your stuff? Cards and Letters: This is going to make me sound really lame, but I still have the stuff my 9th grade valentine got me   *awkward turtle. I actually keep these things...Weird huh? Someone told me they keep a shoebox of stuff, and ive done it ever since, but it's getting really full. Every like 6 months i look at it and it either makes me laugh or go "why did i save that" Happy birthday everyone who has july birthdays! we have the coolest month for sure. We're right in the middle, so when we run out of sae bae money, we have a refill during the middle of summer, and than after we're broke after homecoming, christmas is right around the corner. Heck yes. | | |
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